Does No Contact Work? The Truth About Getting Your Ex Back

You've been doing no contact for two weeks—maybe three, maybe a month. You've deleted their number (or at least stopped looking at it). You've resisted the urge to text them 47 times. And now you're wondering: Is this actually going to work? Will they come back? Or am I just wasting time that I could be using to move on?

The internet is full of conflicting advice. Some sources promise that no contact is a foolproof strategy to make your ex realize what they've lost and come running back. Others say it's pointless manipulation that rarely works. Reddit threads are filled with both success stories and tales of exes who never reached out.

So what's the truth? Does no contact actually work?

The answer is more nuanced than a simple yes or no. In this article, we'll look at what research actually says about no contact, the realistic success rates, the factors that determine whether it works in your specific situation, and—most importantly—what "working" actually means.

What the Research Actually Says About No Contact

Let's start with what we know from psychology research about breakups, distance, and reconciliation.

The Science of Absence and Longing

The saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" has some psychological backing—but it's not universal. Research on relationship dynamics shows that space can increase longing under certain conditions:

• When the relationship was fundamentally good: If you had a secure, loving relationship with temporary issues, space can help both people miss what they had
• When emotions were running high: Distance allows intense emotions (anger, hurt, resentment) to cool, making rational perspective possible
• When there's unfinished emotional business: If the breakup felt sudden or unresolved, absence can create longing for closure or reconnection

However, research also shows absence can have the opposite effect:

• "Out of sight, out of mind": If the relationship wasn't deeply fulfilling, space makes it easier to move on
• New experiences replace old attachments: People can form new connections and perspectives that make the old relationship seem less appealing
• Relief can be stronger than longing: If the relationship was stressful or unfulfilling, the ex may feel primarily relief during separation

Reconciliation Statistics

Research on breakups shows that approximately 40-50% of couples get back together after breaking up. However:

• This doesn't mean no contact caused the reconciliation—many factors are at play
• Many couples who reconcile break up again (some studies suggest up to 50% break up again within 2 years)
• Successful reconciliations typically involve addressing the core issues that caused the breakup, not just missing each other

What Data Says About No Contact Specifically

According to relationship experts who study breakup patterns:

• 64% of exes don't reach out during no contact at all
• When exes do reach out, it's often weeks or months later, not days
• The person who was "dumped" is more likely to see no contact "work" (the dumper misses them) than the person who initiated the breakup trying to use no contact on their ex
• No contact is significantly more effective for healing than it is as a strategy to win someone back

The key insight from research: No contact works best when you're genuinely using it to heal, not as a manipulation tactic. When you authentically let go and focus on your own life, you become more attractive. When you're just pretending to let go while secretly hoping they'll come crawling back, that desperation is usually palpable—and unattractive.

When No Contact is Most Likely to "Work" (Get Them Back)

If your goal is reconciliation, here are the scenarios where no contact has the highest probability of leading to your ex wanting you back:

1. The Relationship Was Fundamentally Good

High chance of reconciliation if:

• You had genuine love, respect, and compatibility
• The breakup was due to circumstantial issues (timing, distance, stress, external pressures) rather than fundamental incompatibilities
• You had more good times than bad
• Friends and family supported your relationship

Why it works: When the relationship was genuinely good, space helps your ex remember the positives and miss what you had. The day-to-day irritations fade, and they're left with the memory of genuine connection.

2. Your Ex Was the One Who Initiated the Breakup

Counterintuitively, no contact works better when they broke up with you. Here's why:

• Psychological reactance: When you disappear after they broke up with you, it removes the option to keep you as a backup or check in on you. Humans want what they can't have
• Grass-is-greener realization: They may have idealized single life or other options, and space lets reality set in
• Missing you hits later: Research shows the "dumper" often goes through a delayed grieving process. They feel relief initially, then the loss hits them weeks or months later

3. The Breakup Was Recent and Emotional

Timing matters:

• If you broke up in the heat of an argument or during a highly stressful period, emotions were likely clouding judgment
• Space allows those intense emotions to settle
• Your ex may realize they made a rash decision once they calm down

Timeline: This typically plays out over 4-12 weeks, as emotions gradually settle and perspective returns.

4. You're Actually Growing During No Contact

This is the most important factor. No contact is most likely to "work" when you're genuinely:

• Working on personal growth
• Addressing whatever issues contributed to the breakup (your anxiety, communication skills, codependency, etc.)
• Building an interesting, fulfilling life
• Becoming emotionally healthier and more secure

Why this matters: If/when your ex does check in or see you again, they need to see a version of you that's more attractive, healthier, and more grounded than the person they broke up with. Authentic growth is magnetic. Desperate waiting is repellent. For more on using this time productively, see our guide on healing from a breakup.

5. Neither of You Has Seriously Moved On Yet

Realistic timeline consideration:

• If your ex is already in a new serious relationship, no contact is unlikely to bring them back
• If months have passed and you've both built separate lives, reconciliation becomes less likely
• The "window" for no contact to work is typically 1-6 months after the breakup

When No Contact Probably Won't Get Them Back

Let's be real about when no contact is unlikely to result in reconciliation:

1. There Were Fundamental Incompatibilities

No amount of space will fix:

• Major life goal misalignment (one wants kids, the other doesn't)
• Different values about fidelity, honesty, or core beliefs
• Personality traits that genuinely clash (highly social vs. very introverted, spontaneous vs. rigid planner)
• Unequal investment in the relationship (you were all-in, they were one foot out the door)

Truth bomb: If they broke up with you because of fundamental incompatibility, space might make them miss you, but it won't make you suddenly compatible. They'll remember why they left.

2. Abuse, Toxicity, or Betrayal Was Present

If the relationship involved:

• Any form of abuse (physical, emotional, verbal)
• Serious betrayal (cheating, lying, manipulation)
• Toxic patterns (constant fighting, emotional volatility, manipulation)

Important: In these cases, "not working" is actually a good thing. You shouldn't want to reconcile with someone who mistreated you. If you find yourself wanting them back despite toxicity, that's a sign to work with a therapist on attachment patterns. Learn more in our article on recognizing emotional manipulation.

3. They've Genuinely Moved On

Signs they've moved on emotionally:

• They're in a serious new relationship (not a rebound)
• They've made major life changes that don't include you (moved cities, changed careers, new friend group)
• They're genuinely happy and fulfilled without you
• When you do interact, they're friendly but indifferent—no tension, longing, or emotional charge

4. They Have Avoidant Attachment Style

People with avoidant attachment patterns:

• Often feel relief during separation, not longing
• Don't typically miss people until years later (if at all)
• Interpret your absence as confirmation that breaking up was right
• May reach out occasionally but pull away again when intimacy increases

Reality check: No contact doesn't typically make avoidants miss you in the short term. They usually need years of personal growth work to change their patterns.

5. You Initiated the Breakup

If you broke up with them and are now using no contact hoping they'll chase you:

• They may interpret your silence as you wanting space (which you said you did!)
• They might be respecting your decision by not reaching out
• They may be hurt and protecting themselves by not pursuing someone who rejected them

In this case: If you regret the breakup and want them back, no contact is not the move. Honest, vulnerable communication is.

Redefining What "Working" Means

Here's where we need to get honest about what you actually want from no contact.

The Two Definitions of "Working"

Definition 1: They come back

• Your ex reaches out
• They express regret or interest in reconciling
• You get back together

Definition 2: You heal and gain clarity

• You process your emotions and grief
• You gain perspective on whether the relationship was actually healthy
• You stop obsessing and start living your life again
• You become clear on what you actually want (which may or may not be reconciliation)

Here's the thing: Definition 2 has a nearly 100% success rate. If you genuinely use no contact as a healing period rather than a manipulation tactic, it will work for helping you move forward—whether that's with your ex or without them.

And paradoxically, focusing on Definition 2 actually increases your chances of Definition 1 happening. When you stop chasing and start genuinely healing, you become more attractive. You also become clearer on whether you actually want them back or whether you were just afraid of the pain of moving on.

The Uncomfortable Truth

Many people doing no contact are:

• Not actually healing—just waiting
• Checking their ex's social media obsessively
• Analyzing every possible sign that their ex misses them
• Staying stuck in limbo, unable to move forward or let go

This isn't no contact. This is anxious waiting. And it doesn't work—for healing or reconciliation.

Real no contact means:

• Actually disconnecting (not stalking their social media)
• Building your own life (not waiting for them to re-enter it)
• Processing your emotions (not suppressing them while hoping they'll come back)
• Getting to a place where you genuinely would be okay either way

How to Do No Contact in a Way That Maximizes Results

If you're committed to no contact—whether for healing or reconciliation—here's how to do it effectively:

Step 1: Set Your Intention (Honestly)

Get clear on why you're doing this:

• Best intention: "I'm doing this to heal, gain clarity, and become the healthiest version of myself. If we're meant to reconcile, space will make that clearer. If not, I'll be further along in moving on."
• Less effective intention: "I'm doing this to make them miss me and come back."

The first intention usually leads to better outcomes—including a higher chance of reconciliation, ironically.

Step 2: Implement True No Contact

What this means:

• No texting, calling, or emailing
• No checking their social media (unfollow/mute if necessary)
• No "accidentally" showing up where they'll be
• No indirect contact through friends
• No drunk texting (delete their number if needed)

Minimum duration: Most experts recommend at least 30 days, but 60-90 days is often more effective for real healing and perspective. See our complete guide to the no contact rule for day-by-day support.

Step 3: Focus on Genuine Self-Improvement

This is not about superficial changes to impress your ex. It's about becoming genuinely healthier:

Emotional Work

• See a therapist to process the breakup and any patterns you want to change
• Work on your attachment style if it's anxious or avoidant
• Learn to regulate your emotions without a relationship
• Build your self-esteem from internal sources, not external validation

Life Building

• Invest in friendships and family relationships
• Pick up hobbies or interests you dropped during the relationship
• Focus on career or educational goals
• Create a life you're genuinely excited about—not a life that looks good on social media

Address the Real Issues

• If you were codependent, work on independence
• If you had communication issues, take a course or read books on it
• If you had anger management problems, get professional help
• If you neglected the relationship due to work stress, reassess your priorities and boundaries

Step 4: Process Your Emotions Fully

Don't suppress your feelings in hopes of seeming "healed":

• Let yourself grieve
• Journal about your feelings
• Talk to friends, family, or a therapist
• Allow yourself to miss them while also moving forward

Research from breakup psychology shows that people who actively process their emotions recover faster than those who try to suppress or avoid them.

Step 5: Get to "Outcome Independence"

This is the goal: reaching a place where you genuinely would be okay either way.

You'll know you're there when:

• You stop obsessing about whether they'll reach out
• You're building a life you're excited about
• You can imagine a happy future both with and without them
• If they reached out, you'd be curious but not desperate
• You've gained clarity on what you actually want (which might not be them anymore)

This usually takes 2-4 months of genuine no contact, not anxious waiting.

What to Do If They Reach Out During No Contact

So you're in no contact, and suddenly—they text you. Now what?

First: Don't Panic or Get Your Hopes Up Immediately

Their reaching out doesn't necessarily mean they want you back. It could mean:

• They're lonely and you're familiar
• They want to assuage their guilt
• They're checking if you're still an option while they date others
• They genuinely miss you and are reconsidering
• They want closure or to "check in"

Assess the Type of Contact

Breadcrumbs

What it looks like: Vague texts like "hey," social media likes, viewing your stories

What it means: They're checking if you're still available as an option, but they're not serious about reconciliation

What to do: Ignore it. Don't break no contact for breadcrumbs.

Genuine Check-Ins

What it looks like: "How are you doing? I've been thinking about you lately"

What it means: They're testing the waters, but it's unclear if it's about reconciliation or just guilt/curiosity

What to do: You can respond briefly and neutrally if you want ("I'm doing well, thanks"), but don't engage in long conversations or express eagerness. See where they take it.

Clear Reconciliation Interest

What it looks like: "I made a mistake. I miss what we had. Can we talk about giving this another try?"

What it means: They're genuinely reconsidering the relationship

What to do: Before jumping back in, ask yourself:

• Has enough time passed for real perspective? (Ideally 4-8+ weeks)
• Have the core issues that caused the breakup been addressed?
• Have I healed enough to make a clear decision, or am I just desperate to stop the pain?
• Do I actually want them back, or do I just want to not be rejected anymore?

Questions to Ask Before Reconciling

If they want to get back together, have honest conversations about:

• Why did we break up? Has that been resolved or will it resurface?
• What's changed? In them? In you? In the circumstances?
• What would be different this time? Specific, concrete changes—not just "we'll try harder"
• Are we both all-in? Or is someone still one foot out the door?

For more guidance on this conversation, see our article on deciding whether to text your ex.

Moving Forward: What If No Contact "Doesn't Work"?

What if you do everything right—you implement true no contact, you work on yourself, you heal—and they never reach out?

Here's the reframe: No contact still worked.

It worked by:

• Giving you space to heal: You've processed your emotions instead of staying stuck in limbo
• Providing clarity: Their silence is clarity—they're not coming back, which frees you to fully move on
• Making you stronger: You've proven to yourself that you can survive and even thrive without them
• Preparing you for better: The work you've done on yourself positions you for a healthier relationship in the future

The "Paradox of Letting Go"

Here's something interesting that often happens:

1. You do no contact hoping they'll come back
2. You genuinely heal and build a fulfilling life
3. You reach a place where you're actually okay either way
4. Sometimes (not always) that's when they reach out
5. But by then, you're not sure if you even want them back anymore

This is the paradox: No contact is most likely to bring them back when you no longer need them to come back.

When to Officially End No Contact and Move On

If your goal was reconciliation and they haven't reached out, you might wonder: when is it over?

Timeline guidance:

• 30-60 days: Too early to conclude anything. Keep going
• 60-90 days: If there's been zero contact and no signs of interest, it's time to accept they've likely moved on
• 3-6 months: At this point, whether they reach out or not, you should be building a life that doesn't include them
• 6+ months: Even if they did reach out now, so much time has passed that it would essentially be starting a new relationship, not continuing the old one

Important: These are guidelines, not rules. The real indicator is your own emotional state. When you genuinely feel ready to move forward—whether that's at 2 months or 6 months—that's your answer. For a detailed timeline of healing, read our guide on how long it takes to get over a breakup.

The Bigger Picture: What No Contact is Really About

Let's zoom out. No contact isn't ultimately about whether your ex comes back. It's about something more fundamental:

Reclaiming your life and your power.

After a breakup, it's natural to feel powerless. They made a decision that upended your life. You feel out of control. No contact is your way of taking back agency:

• You choose to prioritize your healing
• You choose to respect yourself enough to not chase someone who doesn't want you
• You choose to build a life so good that you become genuinely unclear on whether you even want them back

That's power. That's self-respect. And that's inherently attractive—to your ex, yes, but more importantly to yourself and to future partners.

The Question That Matters Most

Instead of "Does no contact work?" maybe the better question is:

"Do I want to be with someone I have to use psychological tactics on to make them want me?"

If the only way they'd come back is if you disappear and make them worry about losing you... is that someone you want to build a life with? Or do you want someone who actively chooses you, who pursues you, who doesn't need to be tricked into valuing you?

Research on healthy relationships shows that lasting love is built on mutual respect, trust, and genuine desire to be together—not games or manipulation.

A Better Framework

Here's a healthier way to think about no contact:

Use no contact as a reset button—for yourself.

Use it to:

• Get out of the anxious, desperate, obsessive headspace
• Process your grief and emotions
• Gain perspective on whether this relationship was actually healthy
• Rediscover who you are outside of this relationship
• Become the person you want to be—whether that's with your ex or with someone new

If your ex comes back, great—you're in a healthier place to decide if you want that. If they don't, great—you're already building something better.

Either way, you win.

The Bottom Line: Does No Contact Work?

The honest answer is: It depends on what you mean by "work."

If "work" means "guarantee your ex comes back," then no—no contact doesn't work reliably. About 64% of exes don't reach out during no contact at all. And even when they do, that doesn't guarantee a successful reconciliation.

But if "work" means:

• Give you the space and clarity to heal
• Help you process your emotions and move forward
• Increase your chances of reconciliation if it's meant to happen
• Allow you to become a healthier, more attractive version of yourself
• Prevent you from desperate, dignity-destroying chasing behavior

Then yes—no contact works remarkably well.

The key is approaching it with the right mindset: Genuine healing, not manipulation. Authentic growth, not desperate waiting.

When you use no contact as a genuine reset period for yourself—not a tactic to control your ex—you create the conditions for the best possible outcome, whatever that may be. Sometimes that's reconciliation. Sometimes it's moving on to something better. But it's always healing.

And that's what really matters.