The Truth About Getting Over Someone
You know you need to move on. Friends have told you "there are other fish in the sea." You've tried to "just get over it." But every song reminds you of them, you check their social media compulsively, and the thought of them with someone else feels unbearable. The harder you try to forget, the more they occupy your mind.
If you're searching for "how to get over someone" or "how to get over someone you love", you're experiencing one of life's most universal and painful challenges. According to research from attachment theory and relationship psychology, the pain of losing someone you love activates the same brain regions as physical pain—which is why heartbreak literally hurts.
The uncomfortable truth? There's no magic shortcut. But there is a proven path forward. This comprehensive guide provides a 7-step recovery plan based on psychology research, neuroscience, and what actually works for thousands of people healing from heartbreak. You'll learn not just what to do, but why it works—and how to navigate setbacks along the way.
Need personalized support for your specific situation? Get your customized healing roadmap from Clara, who'll remember your story and adapt strategies based on your progress.
How Long Does It Take to Get Over Someone?
Before diving into the action steps, let's set realistic expectations about the timeline—because unrealistic expectations are one of the biggest sources of frustration and self-judgment during healing.
📊 What the Research Says:
According to a 2007 study of college students who'd been through breakups, most people felt significantly better around the 11-week mark. Other research suggests:
- Average healing time: 3-6 months for noticeable progress
- The "½ rule": Roughly half the length of the relationship (a 2-year relationship might take 1 year to fully process)
- Full emotional neutrality: 6 months to 2 years depending on multiple factors
- Feeling "normal" again: 10-12 weeks for day-to-day functioning to stabilize
⚡ What Actually Determines Your Timeline:
Factors that lengthen healing time:
- Longer relationship duration and deeper emotional investment
- You were more invested than they were (unequal attachment)
- Unresolved issues or lack of closure
- Frequent contact or social media checking
- Isolation from support systems
- Passive waiting rather than active healing work
- Avoidant coping (substances, rebounding immediately)
Factors that accelerate healing:
- Implementing immediate and consistent no contact
- Strong social support and willingness to lean on others
- Actively processing emotions (therapy, journaling, talking)
- Building new routines and interests quickly
- Having clear reasons why the relationship ended
- Previous experience with successful breakup recovery
- Daily accountability and support (e.g., 24/7 guidance from Clara)
The bottom line: You probably won't "get over" someone in a week or two, but you will feel noticeably better within 10-12 weeks if you're actively working through these steps. The pain lessens, the obsessive thoughts decrease, and life starts feeling livable again—usually sooner than you think when you're in the depths of heartbreak.
The Science: Why It's So Hard to Get Over Someone
Understanding the neurological and psychological mechanisms behind your pain helps you approach healing with self-compassion rather than self-criticism.
🧠 1. Attachment Bonds Are Physiological
When you form a deep connection with someone, your brain creates neural pathways that link them to safety, comfort, and reward. Your nervous system literally regulates through their presence. When they're gone, you experience attachment system withdrawal—your body searching for the person who helped you feel calm and safe. This is why you might feel physical symptoms: chest tightness, insomnia, loss of appetite, or fatigue.
💊 2. Love Is a Powerful Drug
Being in love activates dopamine, oxytocin, and other neurochemicals that create feelings of euphoria and bonding. When the relationship ends, you experience literal withdrawal similar to coming off a drug. Your brain keeps "checking" for the dopamine hit it used to get from them, which manifests as obsessive thoughts and cravings to make contact.
🔍 3. The Brain Seeks Closure and Pattern Completion
Your mind naturally seeks to complete unfinished patterns (the Zeigarnik Effect). Without clear closure or resolution, your brain continuously tries to "solve" the relationship puzzle by replaying, analyzing, and imagining different scenarios. This is exhausting and keeps the attachment alive.
💭 4. Fantasy vs. Reality
Once someone is unavailable, your mind often fills in gaps with idealized versions of them and the relationship. Without new, real information to contradict these idealizations (because you're not in contact), the fantasy version becomes increasingly perfect—making it harder to let go of something that may never have fully existed.
The solution: Recognize these are normal physiological and psychological processes. You're not "weak" or "too attached"—you're experiencing what all humans experience after losing an important bond. The 7-step plan below works with these mechanisms, not against them.
The 7-Step Recovery Plan
These steps aren't perfectly linear—you'll work on multiple simultaneously. But they're ordered roughly by priority and timing.
Step 1: Accept That Pain Is Part of the Process (Days 1-7)
What to do:
Stop fighting the pain. Allow yourself to feel the full weight of the loss without numbing, distracting, or suppressing it. Set aside dedicated time each day to grieve—cry, scream into a pillow, write angry letters you won't send, listen to sad music. Give yourself permission to be non-functional for a few days if needed.
Why it works:
Research on emotional processing shows that avoiding or suppressing grief prolongs it. Paradoxically, allowing yourself to fully feel the pain helps it pass more quickly. Think of emotions like waves—you have to let them crest and fall rather than building a wall against them.
Practical actions:
- Schedule a "grief window" daily (20-30 minutes to feel everything without holding back)
- Tell trusted friends: "I need 3-7 days where I might be a mess, and that's okay"
- Take time off work if possible—don't force yourself to "power through"
- Journal uncensored: all the anger, sadness, confusion, longing
- Physical release: intense exercise, punching a pillow, or crying in the shower
Common mistake: Jumping immediately into "I'm fine" mode or using substances to numb. This pushes the grief underground where it festers. The first 24 hours are the hardest—survive them first.
Step 2: Implement Strict No Contact (Start Day 1, Continue 30-90+ Days)
What to do:
Cut off all contact and information sources about them. Block/unfollow on all social media, delete their number (or give it to a friend to hold), remove photos from your phone and visible spaces, avoid places you know they'll be, and ask mutual friends not to share updates about them. This is non-negotiable for healing.
Why it works:
Every time you see or hear about them, you reactivate the attachment system and reset your healing clock. Your brain can't detach while still receiving "reward" hits of information. No contact allows your nervous system to gradually recalibrate and form new baselines that don't include them.
Practical actions:
- Digital detox: Block on all platforms (Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, Snapchat, LinkedIn, etc.)
- Phone: Delete their contact or change name to "DO NOT CALL" with a trusted friend holding the real number
- Physical reminders: Box up photos, gifts, and items that trigger memories—store out of sight
- Routes and places: Avoid their gym, coffee shop, neighborhood, or anywhere with high likelihood of running into them
- Mutual friends: Kindly ask them not to update you about your ex ("I need space to heal—please don't tell me how they're doing")
- Urge management: When tempted to break no contact, use real-time support from Clara to talk through the urge until it passes
Timeline: Minimum 30 days for emotional basics, 60-90 days for meaningful detachment. Most people report significant reduction in intrusive thoughts and emotional reactivity after 30 days of strict no contact.
Exception: If you have children together or unavoidable work contact, limit communication to logistics only—brief, factual, unemotional. Use email or text rather than calls when possible.
Step 3: Disrupt Old Patterns and Build New Routines (Weeks 1-4)
What to do:
Identify routines and triggers strongly associated with them, then intentionally disrupt those patterns. Build new routines that don't include them or reminders of them. Change your morning routine, try new restaurants, take different routes, rearrange your bedroom, or start new hobbies.
Why it works:
Your brain is constantly making associations between contexts and emotions. Old routines trigger automatic thoughts about them because the neural pathways are so well-worn. Creating new patterns forms new neural pathways that aren't linked to them, giving your brain alternative routes.
Practical actions:
- Change your morning routine (different coffee shop, new workout time)
- Rearrange your living space—especially bedroom if you shared it
- Find new places for regular activities (gym, grocery store, walking route)
- Try activities you've never done: cooking class, hiking group, art workshop
- Change your evening routine (new shows, different wind-down practices)
- If certain songs/playlists are triggering, create entirely new playlists
- Explore new neighborhoods or areas of your city
Goal: By week 4, your daily life should feel noticeably different from when you were together. New sensory inputs create new memories that aren't tied to them.
Step 4: Process Emotions Actively (Ongoing: Weeks 1-12+)
What to do:
Don't just sit with the pain—actively process it. This means talking, writing, therapy, support groups, or using AI support to work through the emotions, thoughts, and patterns. The goal is to transform raw pain into meaning, insight, and growth.
Why it works:
According to grief and trauma research, simply experiencing emotions isn't enough—you need to make sense of them. Active processing helps you integrate the loss, extract lessons, and move from "why did this happen to me?" to "what can I learn from this?"
Practical actions:
- Daily journaling: Stream of consciousness for 10-15 minutes every morning
- Therapy: Find a therapist specializing in attachment, relationships, or grief. Even 4-8 sessions can make a huge difference
- Support groups: Online communities like r/BreakUps or r/ExNoContact provide validation and shared experience
- Talk to friends: Process out loud with trusted people (set time limits so you don't exhaust them—"Can I vent for 15 minutes?")
- AI support: Use Clara for daily emotional processing without fear of burdening others
- Structured exercises: "What I learned," "What I need differently next time," "Patterns I noticed," "My part in what went wrong"
Red flag: If you find yourself telling the same story the same way weeks later with no new insights, you're ruminating rather than processing. Shift to asking different questions: "What does this pain tell me about my needs?" "What am I actually grieving—the person or what they represented?"
Step 5: Challenge the Idealization (Weeks 2-8)
What to do:
Write a brutally honest list of all the ways the relationship wasn't working, all their flaws and behaviors that bothered you, and all the incompatibilities you overlooked. Re-read this list whenever you catch yourself romanticizing the past or thinking "they were perfect."
Why it works:
Your mind naturally idealizes what's unavailable. Without reality checks, you end up missing a fantasy version rather than the real person/relationship. Deliberately acknowledging the full truth—good AND bad—keeps you grounded in reality and weakens the pull of fantasy.
Practical actions:
- Create two columns: "Why it ended / Problems that existed" and "What I missed/minimized"
- List specific behaviors, not vague complaints ("They dismissed my feelings when I was upset" not "They were mean")
- Include incompatibilities: values, life goals, communication styles, conflict patterns
- Note how you felt during low points: anxious, insecure, walked on eggshells, lonely even when together
- Ask trusted friends: "What red flags did you see that I might have minimized?"
- Keep this list in your phone to review when idealization starts
Important: This isn't about demonizing them or rewriting history. It's about balanced perspective. You can acknowledge good qualities AND recognize why it didn't work.
Step 6: Invest in Yourself and Build Your Future (Weeks 3-12+)
What to do:
Redirect all the energy you were putting into the relationship/hoping for reconciliation into building a life you're excited about. Invest in friendships, hobbies, fitness, career growth, travel, learning, or passion projects. Create a compelling vision of your future that doesn't include them.
Why it works:
You can't think your way out of attachment—you have to build your way out by creating new sources of meaning, joy, and connection. As your life fills with positive experiences and progress toward goals, there's simply less mental and emotional space for them to occupy. Plus, you're training your brain that good things exist outside of that relationship.
Practical actions:
- Social investment: Say yes to invitations, initiate plans, deepen friendships, join groups or clubs
- Physical health: Commit to regular exercise (proven to improve mood and sleep), eat nourishing food, prioritize sleep hygiene
- Skill building: Take a class, learn an instrument, start a creative project, develop a professional skill
- Travel or adventure: Plan a trip (solo or with friends), explore new places, create new memories unlinked to them
- Career/education: Apply for that promotion, start a side project, take professional development courses
- Give back: Volunteer work provides perspective and connection
- Vision work: Spend time visualizing your life 6-12 months from now—what does a thriving life look like independent of them?
Mindset shift: Move from "How do I get them back?" to "How do I build a life I love without them?" This shift is crucial and usually happens around weeks 3-4.
Step 7: Address Underlying Attachment Patterns (Weeks 4-12+)
What to do:
Use this experience to understand your attachment style and relationship patterns. Why did you pick this person? What needs were they meeting (or promising to meet)? What patterns do you repeat across relationships? How can you develop more secure attachment?
Why it works:
If you don't address underlying patterns, you'll likely recreate similar dynamics in the next relationship. Understanding your attachment style, core wounds, and relationship patterns transforms this painful experience into profound personal growth—making future relationships healthier.
Practical actions:
- Take an attachment style assessment: Understanding if you're anxious, avoidant, fearful-avoidant, or secure
- Identify patterns: Do you repeatedly choose emotionally unavailable people? Chase after those who pull away? Lose yourself in relationships?
- Core wounds work: What childhood experiences or past relationships created your attachment patterns?
- Therapy focus: Work specifically on attachment, self-worth, boundaries, or codependency patterns
- Read/learn: Books like "Attached" by Levine & Heller or "Wired for Love" by Tatkin
- Practice secure behaviors: Healthy communication, setting boundaries, tolerating discomfort without chasing reassurance
Long-term benefit: This work ensures you don't just "get over" this person—you actually evolve into someone who makes healthier relationship choices moving forward.
Need help implementing these steps? Clara can walk you through each step, provide daily accountability, and adapt strategies based on what's working for you. She remembers your progress and helps you stay on track even when motivation dips.
Common Setbacks and How to Handle Them
Healing isn't linear. Here's how to navigate inevitable setbacks without derailing your progress:
🌊 Setback 1: "I Feel Worse at Week 3 Than Week 1"
Why this happens: Week 1 often involves shock and numbness. By week 3, reality has set in and the full weight of loss hits. This is actually a sign of processing, not regression.
What to do: Recognize this is normal. Allow the grief. Don't interpret it as "not healing"—you're moving through necessary stages. Reach out for support. This wave typically passes within days to a week.
📱 Setback 2: You Broke No Contact
Why this happens: Loneliness, triggers, holidays, seeing them with someone new, or just a moment of weakness.
What to do: Don't spiral into shame. Reset immediately—block again, don't send follow-up texts, recommit to no contact. Use the slip-up to identify what triggered it and plan for that trigger next time. See the decision framework for whether to text.
💔 Setback 3: They Moved On / New Relationship
Why this happens: Seeing them with someone new triggers primal rejection and comparison.
What to do: Immediately block so you can't see updates. Remind yourself: their timeline isn't yours, and rebounding quickly often indicates avoiding their own pain. Focus on YOUR healing, not their choices. Journal through the feelings rather than checking for more information.
🎄 Setback 4: Holidays, Birthdays, Anniversaries
Why this happens: These dates trigger powerful memories and traditions you shared.
What to do: Plan ahead—don't wing it. Make NEW plans that involve supportive people or novel experiences. Acknowledge the difficulty ("This day is hard") without letting it derail your progress. The first round of holidays is the hardest; it gets easier each year.
😢 Setback 5: Random Intense Grief Waves
Why this happens: Grief isn't linear. Triggers you didn't anticipate can bring a flood of emotion.
What to do: Let the wave pass. It usually peaks within 20-30 minutes. Use grounding techniques (5-4-3-2-1 senses, cold water on face, call a friend). Remind yourself: "This is a wave, not a tsunami. It will pass." Then continue with your day.
Self-Care Practices That Actually Help
Beyond the 7 steps, these daily practices support healing:
🧘 Mind: Thought Redirection
When thoughts about them arise (and they will), immediately redirect using the mental substitute technique. Pre-choose a replacement thought, memory, or activity. Practice this 50+ times a day initially—it gets easier and more automatic.
💪 Body: Movement and Sleep
Exercise 20-30 minutes daily (walk, run, yoga, dance). Physical movement processes stress hormones and boosts mood-regulating neurotransmitters. Prioritize sleep: 7-9 hours, consistent schedule, no screens before bed.
❤️ Connection: Don't Isolate
Force yourself to stay socially connected even when you don't feel like it. Isolation deepens depression and rumination. Schedule regular friend time, join groups, or use 24/7 AI support when human support isn't available.
🌱 Growth: Learn and Develop
Channel pain into growth. Learn something new, start a project, work toward goals. This transforms suffering into purpose and gives you concrete evidence of progress.
📝 Reflection: Regular Check-ins
Weekly, assess: "What's better this week than last? What am I proud of? What setback happened and how did I handle it?" Tracking progress prevents you from feeling stuck when you're actually healing incrementally.
When to Seek Professional Help
Consider therapy if:
- You're having thoughts of self-harm or severe depression
- It's been 6+ months with no noticeable improvement
- You're using substances to cope
- You can't function at work/school
- You recognize repeated toxic relationship patterns you can't break alone
- The relationship involved abuse or trauma
A therapist specializing in attachment, relationships, or grief can provide tools and perspective you can't access alone. This isn't weakness—it's smart strategy.
Signs You're Healing (Look for These)
Progress isn't always obvious day-to-day, but watch for these signs:
- ✅ You go hours without thinking about them (previously it was constant)
- ✅ When you do think about them, the emotional intensity is lower
- ✅ You no longer check their social media compulsively
- ✅ You can think about good memories without crying
- ✅ You're genuinely interested in new activities, people, or opportunities
- ✅ You sleep better and appetite has normalized
- ✅ You can imagine a future that looks good without them in it
- ✅ Songs/places that were triggering feel neutral now
- ✅ You feel genuinely okay some days—not just "powering through"
- ✅ You're not angry at them anymore (or the anger has significantly decreased)
- ✅ You can be happy for them if you hear they're doing well
- ✅ You're dating or open to dating without comparing everyone to them
- ✅ You recognize patterns and what you want differently next time
- ✅ You feel like yourself again—not the "relationship version" of yourself
Milestone: The moment you realize you haven't thought about them all day, or that seeing their name doesn't make your heart race—that's when you know you're on the other side.
Frequently Asked Questions
How long does it take to get over someone?
Research suggests it takes 3-6 months on average to significantly move on, but it varies widely based on relationship length, emotional intensity, and your healing efforts. The '½ rule' (half the relationship length) is a rough guideline. Active healing strategies can accelerate the process considerably compared to passive waiting. Most people report feeling noticeably better around the 10-12 week mark with consistent effort.
How do you get over someone you still love?
Accept that love and compatibility are separate—you can love someone AND recognize the relationship isn't healthy or viable. Focus on: (1) grieving the relationship while accepting reality, (2) redirecting the love energy toward yourself and others through strict no contact, (3) creating physical and digital distance, (4) building a new life vision without them, and (5) processing emotions through therapy, journaling, or support groups. You don't need to stop loving them to move forward—you need to stop feeding the attachment.
How to get over someone you never dated?
Unrequited love or 'limerence' can be just as painful as a breakup because you're grieving the potential relationship. Strategies: (1) Accept the fantasy isn't reality—you're attached to an idealized version, (2) Cut off information sources about them completely, (3) Challenge the idealization by listing incompatibilities and reasons it wouldn't work, (4) Redirect emotional energy to available connections, (5) Work on underlying attachment patterns with a therapist since this often stems from anxious attachment or unmet needs.
What is the fastest way to get over someone?
There's no healthy 'fast' way—genuine healing takes time and trying to rush it usually backfires. However, you can accelerate recovery by: (1) Implementing strict no contact immediately, (2) Removing all reminders and blocking on social media the first day, (3) Processing emotions actively through therapy or journaling rather than suppressing, (4) Staying socially connected and saying yes to invitations, (5) Building new routines and interests quickly, (6) Using daily support like Feelset to work through urges in real-time. Most see significant progress in 10-12 weeks with these strategies.
How to stop loving someone you can't be with?
You can't force yourself to stop loving someone through willpower, but you can stop feeding the attachment: (1) Accept the reality without fighting it ('I love them AND we can't be together—both are true'), (2) Implement complete no contact so you're not getting new information that reignites feelings, (3) Use the mental redirect technique every time they come to mind, (4) Meet the needs they fulfilled (companionship, validation, excitement) through other means, (5) Build a compelling vision of your future without them that excites you more than the fantasy of being together.
How to forget someone you love deeply?
The goal isn't to forget—it's to reach a place where memories don't cause pain. Strategies: (1) Allow yourself to grieve fully rather than suppress (paradoxically, this helps memories lose their emotional charge faster), (2) Create new positive memories that aren't tied to them by building new experiences, (3) Practice thought redirection when memories arise rather than dwelling, (4) Build new neural pathways through engaging activities and new routines, (5) Accept that some memories will always exist, but their emotional intensity will fade from sharp pain to gentle nostalgia over months.
Is it normal to still think about someone after months?
Yes, completely normal—especially if the relationship was significant, long-term, or ended without closure. The key metric isn't whether you think about them, but the emotional intensity and frequency. By 3-6 months with active healing work, thoughts should be less frequent (days between rather than hourly), less emotionally charged (nostalgic rather than devastating), and easier to redirect. If thoughts remain obsessive, constant, or significantly interfere with functioning after 6 months, consider working with a therapist specializing in attachment or complicated grief.
What are the stages of getting over someone?
While not perfectly linear, common stages adapted from grief research include: (1) Shock/Denial (days to weeks—"this isn't really happening"), (2) Pain/Grief (weeks to months—intense sadness and longing), (3) Anger/Bargaining (overlapping—"why did they do this?" and "what if I..."), (4) Depression/Reflection (can feel like regression but is actually processing), (5) Acceptance (gradual—"this is the reality"), (6) Reconstruction (building new life and identity), (7) Hope/Opening (ready to move forward and potentially date again). You'll cycle through these stages multiple times, not move through them once sequentially.
Should I stay friends with someone I'm trying to get over?
No, not during the active healing phase. Staying friends before you're emotionally detached keeps you in a perpetual state of hope and prevents full grieving. The attachment system stays activated because they're still in your life. Recommendation: Implement strict no contact for at least 3-6 months until you're genuinely emotionally neutral—meaning you can think about them dating someone else without pain, you're not secretly hoping they'll change their mind, and you feel whole without them. Friendship may be possible later if you both genuinely want it and there's zero residual romantic attachment on either side.
How do you move on from someone when you see them every day?
When no contact isn't possible due to work, school, or co-parenting: (1) Keep all interactions strictly functional, brief, and unemotional—treat them like a professional colleague, (2) Mentally prepare before encounters using grounding techniques, (3) Have a post-interaction routine to regulate emotions (call a friend, journal, check in with Clara), (4) Build strong boundaries around topics discussed (no personal questions or emotional conversations), (5) Create robust support systems outside these shared environments, (6) Consider whether changing jobs/schools is feasible if it's significantly impeding healing, (7) Work with a therapist on specific coping strategies for forced contact situations.
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Related Reading
- How to Stop Thinking About Someone: 12 Proven Techniques
- Should I Text My Ex? Complete Decision Framework
- No Contact Rule: Complete Day-by-Day Guide
- Day 1 of No Contact: Emergency Survival Guide
- Day 7 of No Contact: One Week Victory
- Day 21 of No Contact: Habit Mastery
- Day 30 of No Contact: Complete Transformation
- Understanding Attachment Styles in Breakups
Additional Resources
Evidence-based resources for additional perspective:
- Mark Manson: How to Get Over Someone (Brutally Honest)
- Healthline: How Long Does It Take to Get Over a Breakup?
- Psychology Today: Love's End - Attachment and Relationship Dissolution
- APA: Understanding and Coping with Grief
- Psychology Today: The Zeigarnik Effect Explained
- Healthline: Understanding Limerence and Obsessive Love
Important Note
If you're experiencing severe depression, thoughts of self-harm, or inability to function: Please reach out to a mental health professional immediately. In the US, call or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. Feelset provides supportive guidance and education; it isn't a substitute for professional therapy, diagnosis, treatment, or emergency services.
Disclaimer: Feelset provides supportive guidance and education. It is not a substitute for professional therapy, diagnosis, or emergency services. All advice is for informational purposes. If you're experiencing severe mental health symptoms or are in crisis, contact a mental health professional or your local emergency number immediately.