Quick Takeaway
What kind of relationship anxiety do you have? This comprehensive 25-question relationship anxiety test assesses five key patterns: reassurance-seeking, overthinking, fear of abandonment, self-sabotage, and physical impact. Your score (0-100 points) reveals whether you're experiencing minimal, mild, moderate, or severe relationship anxiety—and provides a personalized recovery plan with specific next steps, realistic timelines, and resources matched to your severity level. Most importantly, whatever your score, you're not broken. You're experiencing a common pattern that can improve with the right support.
Find Out What Kind of Relationship Anxiety You Have
You know something is off. Maybe you're constantly checking your phone for reassurance texts. Maybe you replay every conversation, analyzing their tone for hidden meanings. Maybe you feel an inexplicable panic when they don't respond immediately, or you're testing them to see if they'll stay.
You've probably searched "do I have relationship anxiety" more than once. You might have read articles explaining what it is, but you're still left wondering: How much anxiety do I actually have? Is this normal relationship worry, or something that needs attention?
More importantly: What do I actually DO about it?
According to research from the National Institutes of Health, approximately 20% of adults experience anxious attachment patterns characterized by hypervigilance, fear of abandonment, and chronic relationship anxiety. Studies published in BMC Psychology show that relationship anxiety manifests through specific behavioral patterns including reassurance-seeking, overthinking, and self-sabotage—patterns that can be identified, measured, and addressed.
That's where this relationship anxiety test comes in. This isn't a generic "are you anxious?" quiz with vague results. This is a comprehensive 25-question assessment that measures five distinct anxiety patterns and provides a personalized recovery plan based on your specific profile and severity level.
You'll discover not just whether you have relationship anxiety, but what kind, how severe, and most importantly—what to do about it with realistic timelines and actionable steps.
Want personalized support while working through your results? Feelset's Clara can integrate your test results into ongoing guidance, helping you implement your recovery plan with daily check-ins and pattern tracking. She adapts to YOUR specific anxiety level, whether you're at mild or severe.
Before You Take the Test: What This Measures (And What It Doesn't)
Before you begin, let's set clear expectations about what this relationship anxiety test measures and its limitations.
What This Test Measures
This assessment evaluates five core relationship anxiety patterns identified in attachment and relationship research:
- Reassurance-Seeking Behaviors: How often you seek validation from your partner to calm anxiety, how dependent you are on their responses, and whether reassurance provides lasting relief
- Overthinking and Rumination: The extent to which you replay conversations, analyze their behaviors, catastrophize about the future, and struggle to stop anxious thoughts
- Fear of Abandonment and Hypervigilance: How intensely you monitor for signs they're pulling away, your sensitivity to perceived rejection, and your baseline worry about the relationship ending
- Self-Sabotage and Testing Behaviors: Whether you push partners away preemptively, test their commitment, create conflicts to prove they'll stay, or struggle with letting yourself be vulnerable
- Physical and Emotional Impact: How relationship anxiety affects your body, sleep, daily functioning, mood, and overall quality of life
Your total score (0-100 points) indicates overall severity, while category-specific scores reveal which patterns are strongest for you. According to validated attachment research using the ECR-R, these dimensions provide reliable indicators of relationship anxiety patterns.
What This Test Does NOT Measure
This is not a clinical diagnostic tool. It does not diagnose anxiety disorders, attachment disorders, or any mental health condition. As research on anxiety assessment emphasizes, clinical diagnosis requires comprehensive evaluation by a licensed mental health professional.
This test cannot:
- Determine if you have Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), panic disorder, or other clinical anxiety disorders
- Replace professional psychological assessment or therapy
- Distinguish between relationship anxiety and legitimate relationship red flags (for that, see our guide on Anxiety vs. Gut Feeling)
- Assess whether your partner is contributing to or causing your anxiety through their behaviors
This test measures YOUR internal experience—how you think, feel, and behave in response to relationship situations, regardless of whether those situations are objectively threatening.
How to Take This Test
For the most accurate results:
- Answer honestly, not aspirationally. Choose responses based on what you actually do and feel, not what you wish you did or what you think you "should" feel
- Focus on the past month. Base your answers on your recent patterns, not how you felt six months ago or hope to feel in the future
- Consider your current or most recent relationship. If you're single, think about your last relationship or how you typically feel in relationships
- Take it when you're relatively calm. Don't take this during a crisis or fight—your results will be skewed by acute stress
- Be patient with yourself. Whatever your score, it's information, not judgment. You're taking positive action by seeking clarity
Ready? Let's begin.
The Relationship Anxiety Test: 25 Questions
For each statement, choose the response that best describes how often you experience this in your relationship. Be honest—there are no right or wrong answers.
Scoring Key
- 0 = Never or almost never
- 1 = Rarely (a few times a month)
- 2 = Sometimes (a few times a week)
- 3 = Often (most days)
- 4 = Almost always or always (daily or multiple times daily)
Category 1: Reassurance-Seeking (Questions 1-5)
1. I ask my partner for reassurance about their feelings for me or the status of our relationship.
0 = Never | 1 = Rarely | 2 = Sometimes | 3 = Often | 4 = Almost always
2. When my partner reassures me, the relief only lasts a short time before I need reassurance again.
0 = Never | 1 = Rarely | 2 = Sometimes | 3 = Often | 4 = Almost always
3. I check my phone frequently to see if my partner has texted or called.
0 = Never | 1 = Rarely | 2 = Sometimes | 3 = Often | 4 = Almost always
4. I feel anxious or distressed when my partner doesn't respond to my messages quickly enough.
0 = Never | 1 = Rarely | 2 = Sometimes | 3 = Often | 4 = Almost always
5. I need frequent proof (texts, calls, affection, words) that my partner still cares about me.
0 = Never | 1 = Rarely | 2 = Sometimes | 3 = Often | 4 = Almost always
Category 2: Overthinking and Rumination (Questions 6-10)
6. I replay conversations with my partner in my mind, analyzing what they meant or if I said something wrong.
0 = Never | 1 = Rarely | 2 = Sometimes | 3 = Often | 4 = Almost always
7. I imagine worst-case scenarios about the relationship ending or my partner leaving.
0 = Never | 1 = Rarely | 2 = Sometimes | 3 = Often | 4 = Almost always
8. I struggle to stop thinking about the relationship, even when I'm trying to focus on other things.
0 = Never | 1 = Rarely | 2 = Sometimes | 3 = Often | 4 = Almost always
9. I overanalyze small changes in my partner's behavior (tone, texting patterns, affection level).
0 = Never | 1 = Rarely | 2 = Sometimes | 3 = Often | 4 = Almost always
10. I compare the current state of my relationship to how it used to be, worrying things are changing for the worse.
0 = Never | 1 = Rarely | 2 = Sometimes | 3 = Often | 4 = Almost always
Category 3: Fear of Abandonment and Hypervigilance (Questions 11-15)
11. I worry that my partner will leave me or stop loving me.
0 = Never | 1 = Rarely | 2 = Sometimes | 3 = Often | 4 = Almost always
12. I'm constantly looking for signs that my partner is pulling away or losing interest.
0 = Never | 1 = Rarely | 2 = Sometimes | 3 = Often | 4 = Almost always
13. I feel panicked or distressed when my partner needs space or time apart.
0 = Never | 1 = Rarely | 2 = Sometimes | 3 = Often | 4 = Almost always
14. I fear that if my partner really knew me, they would reject or leave me.
0 = Never | 1 = Rarely | 2 = Sometimes | 3 = Often | 4 = Almost always
15. I interpret neutral or ambiguous situations as signs that something is wrong in the relationship.
0 = Never | 1 = Rarely | 2 = Sometimes | 3 = Often | 4 = Almost always
Category 4: Self-Sabotage and Testing (Questions 16-20)
16. I test my partner's commitment or feelings (picking fights, withdrawing, waiting to see if they reach out).
0 = Never | 1 = Rarely | 2 = Sometimes | 3 = Often | 4 = Almost always
17. I push my partner away when I'm feeling most vulnerable or when things are going well.
0 = Never | 1 = Rarely | 2 = Sometimes | 3 = Often | 4 = Almost always
18. I create conflicts or drama as a way to feel reassured that they'll stay despite problems.
0 = Never | 1 = Rarely | 2 = Sometimes | 3 = Often | 4 = Almost always
19. I hold back from being fully open or vulnerable because I'm afraid of getting hurt.
0 = Never | 1 = Rarely | 2 = Sometimes | 3 = Often | 4 = Almost always
20. I sometimes think about ending the relationship before they can end it first.
0 = Never | 1 = Rarely | 2 = Sometimes | 3 = Often | 4 = Almost always
Category 5: Physical and Emotional Impact (Questions 21-25)
21. I experience physical symptoms (racing heart, stomach issues, tension, difficulty breathing) when anxious about the relationship.
0 = Never | 1 = Rarely | 2 = Sometimes | 3 = Often | 4 = Almost always
22. Relationship anxiety affects my sleep (difficulty falling asleep, waking up anxious, ruminating at night).
0 = Never | 1 = Rarely | 2 = Sometimes | 3 = Often | 4 = Almost always
23. I have difficulty concentrating on work, school, or other responsibilities because of relationship worries.
0 = Never | 1 = Rarely | 2 = Sometimes | 3 = Often | 4 = Almost always
24. The relationship anxiety impacts my mood, leaving me feeling sad, irritable, or emotionally drained.
0 = Never | 1 = Rarely | 2 = Sometimes | 3 = Often | 4 = Almost always
25. My relationship anxiety interferes with my enjoyment of the relationship or quality of life.
0 = Never | 1 = Rarely | 2 = Sometimes | 3 = Often | 4 = Almost always
How to Calculate Your Score
Step 1: Add up your scores for all 25 questions. Your total will be between 0 and 100 points.
Step 2: Calculate your category scores by adding up the 5 questions in each category (each category score ranges from 0-20 points):
- Category 1 (Reassurance-Seeking): Questions 1-5
- Category 2 (Overthinking): Questions 6-10
- Category 3 (Fear of Abandonment): Questions 11-15
- Category 4 (Self-Sabotage): Questions 16-20
- Category 5 (Physical Impact): Questions 21-25
Step 3: Find your total score in the results section below to understand your severity level and personalized action plan.
Understanding Your Results: The Four Severity Levels
Your total score reveals not just whether you have relationship anxiety, but how severe it is and what kind of support you need. Remember: whatever your score, you're not broken or defective. Relationship anxiety exists on a spectrum, and knowing where you fall helps you take appropriate action.
Tier 1: Minimal Anxiety (0-20 Points)
What This Means
You experience little to no relationship anxiety. You generally feel secure in your relationship, trust your partner's commitment, and can tolerate normal relationship uncertainties without significant distress. When concerns arise, you address them directly rather than ruminating or seeking excessive reassurance.
Common Patterns at This Level:
- You feel comfortable when your partner needs space or time apart
- You don't constantly check your phone for messages
- You can focus on work and other activities without relationship worries intruding
- You experience occasional relationship worries but they don't spiral or persist
- You generally believe your partner's reassurances and don't need constant proof
Your Action Plan
Primary Goal: Maintain your secure attachment patterns and build resilience for inevitable challenges.
What to Do:
- Continue healthy communication: Keep expressing needs directly and addressing concerns when they arise
- Strengthen your foundation: Maintain individual interests, friendships, and identity outside the relationship
- Stay aware: If you notice anxiety increasing during stressful life periods, implement early coping strategies before patterns intensify
- Support your partner: If your partner experiences relationship anxiety, learn how to provide effective reassurance (see our guide on supporting an anxious partner)
When to Revisit: If you experience major relationship transitions (moving in together, engagement, having children) or external stressors (job loss, grief, health issues), retake this test to monitor for emerging patterns.
Resources for This Level: Your primary resource is maintaining open communication with your partner. Consider taking our Anxiety vs. Gut Feeling quiz if you do experience occasional concerns and need help distinguishing them.
Tier 2: Mild Anxiety (21-40 Points)
What This Means
You experience noticeable relationship anxiety that occasionally interferes with your peace of mind, but it hasn't significantly impaired the relationship or your daily functioning. You have some secure attachment patterns but also consistent anxious patterns that create discomfort.
According to research on attachment and reassurance-seeking, mild relationship anxiety often manifests as periodic overthinking and occasional reassurance-seeking without becoming a dominant relationship dynamic.
Common Patterns at This Level:
- You sometimes analyze your partner's behavior or replay conversations, but not obsessively
- You occasionally seek reassurance but it usually helps you feel better for a while
- You have moments of worry about the relationship ending, but they're not constant
- You can usually redirect anxious thoughts with some effort
- The anxiety is uncomfortable but manageable most of the time
- Your anxiety tends to spike during specific triggers (conflicts, distance, stress) but subsides
Your Action Plan
Primary Goal: Prevent escalation to moderate or severe anxiety by building coping skills now, while patterns are still manageable.
Realistic Timeline: With consistent practice of anxiety management techniques, you should notice significant improvement within 2-3 months. Full stabilization typically takes 4-6 months.
Step-by-Step Recovery Plan:
Week 1-2: Awareness and Baseline
- Identify your primary triggers. Keep a simple log: When does your anxiety spike? What situations or behaviors trigger it?
- Notice your reassurance-seeking patterns. How often do you seek it? From whom? Does it help?
- Share your results with your partner if you feel comfortable. Script: "I took a relationship anxiety assessment and learned I have mild anxiety patterns. I'm working on it, and it would help if you understood what I'm experiencing."
Week 3-6: Build Core Skills
- Implement worry postponement: When anxious thoughts arise, write them down and schedule a 15-minute "worry time" later. Research shows that postponing rumination reduces its frequency and intensity
- Practice anxiety vs. intuition discernment: Use our four-step framework when concerns arise to distinguish legitimate issues from anxiety
- Develop alternative soothing strategies: When you feel the urge to seek reassurance, try: a 10-minute walk, calling a friend about something else, journaling, or using a grounding technique
- Challenge catastrophic thinking: When you imagine worst-case scenarios, ask: "What's the evidence? What are 3 alternative explanations?"
Week 7-12: Consolidate and Prevent Relapse
- Continue practicing core skills until they become automatic
- Notice improvements and celebrate them (even small ones)
- Identify warning signs that your anxiety is escalating (sleep problems, increased checking, persistent rumination) and intervene early
- Retake this test at the 3-month mark to track progress
When to Consider Therapy: If your anxiety doesn't improve after 3 months of consistent self-help, if it starts interfering with sleep or work, or if your partner expresses concern about the impact on the relationship.
At this level, Feelset can be particularly effective as a daily accountability partner. Clara helps you implement worry postponement, tracks your triggers, and provides reality-testing when you're unsure if a concern is anxiety or intuition. Many users at mild anxiety find that 10-15 minutes daily with Clara prevents escalation.
Tier 3: Moderate Anxiety (41-60 Points)
What This Means
You experience significant relationship anxiety that regularly interferes with your wellbeing and likely affects your relationship dynamics. Your anxiety is persistent rather than occasional, and you're noticing negative impacts on your daily life, sleep, mood, or the relationship itself.
Research on anxiety disorders and intimate relationships shows that moderate anxiety creates strain on relationship quality for both partners and benefits significantly from structured intervention.
Common Patterns at This Level:
- You frequently ruminate about the relationship, sometimes for hours
- You seek reassurance often, and the relief is short-lived
- You check your phone compulsively for messages or evidence
- You experience physical anxiety symptoms (racing heart, stomach issues, tension) multiple times per week
- Your anxiety interferes with sleep, work concentration, or social activities
- You engage in testing behaviors or push your partner away preemptively
- Your partner has mentioned concern about your anxiety or its impact on them
- You struggle to enjoy positive moments because you're waiting for something to go wrong
Your Action Plan
Primary Goal: Reduce anxiety to a manageable level where it no longer significantly impairs your functioning or relationship quality. You need structured, consistent support at this level.
Realistic Timeline: Expect noticeable improvement within 6-8 weeks with consistent effort, but full recovery typically takes 6-12 months. Be patient with yourself—moderate anxiety didn't develop overnight and won't resolve overnight.
Critical First Step: Assess If Therapy Is Needed
At moderate anxiety, professional therapy is strongly recommended alongside self-help strategies. Specifically consider therapy if:
- Your anxiety is getting worse despite self-help attempts
- You're experiencing significant physical symptoms or sleep disruption
- Your partner is expressing frustration or feeling overwhelmed
- You have a history of trauma, previous relationship betrayal, or childhood attachment wounds
- You're engaging in behaviors you regret (constant checking, testing, conflicts)
Find a therapist who specializes in:
- Attachment-based therapy
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for anxiety
- Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples if your partner is willing
Use directories like Psychology Today or GoodTherapy.org to search for specialists in your area.
Step-by-Step Recovery Plan:
Phase 1 (Week 1-3): Stabilization and Crisis Management
- Implement daily grounding practices: Morning grounding routine (5-10 minutes) using mindfulness-based techniques to start the day from a calmer baseline
- Reduce compulsive behaviors immediately: Set rules for yourself (e.g., "I will not check my phone more than once per hour" or "I will not ask for reassurance more than once per day"). Write these rules down
- Journal daily: Dump anxious thoughts on paper each evening to externalize them and create distance
- Tell your partner what's happening: Use this script: "I've realized I have moderate relationship anxiety. It's not about you or our relationship—it's a pattern from my past/attachment style. I'm getting help and working on it. Here's what would help from you: [specific request, like patience when I'm anxious or willingness to reassure me once without judgment]."
Phase 2 (Week 4-8): Skill Building
- Master anxiety vs. intuition discernment: Work through our complete framework for every major concern that arises
- Implement cognitive restructuring: For every catastrophic thought, write it down and challenge it systematically. What's the evidence? What are alternative explanations? What would I tell a friend with this concern? See our guide on stopping relationship overthinking
- Practice sitting with discomfort: When you feel desperate for reassurance, set a timer for 15 minutes. Tell yourself "I can tolerate this discomfort for 15 minutes." Often the urgency passes
- Build alternative soothing: Create a list of 10 activities that calm you (not involving your partner) and use them when anxiety spikes
- Address physical symptoms: Regular exercise (30 minutes, 4-5x/week) has proven effectiveness for anxiety
Phase 3 (Month 3-6): Maintenance and Deeper Work
- Explore root causes in therapy: Work on attachment wounds, trauma processing, or core beliefs driving the anxiety
- Practice vulnerability without safety behaviors: Gradually reduce testing and self-sabotage patterns. Allow yourself to be vulnerable without immediately looking for proof they'll hurt you
- Rebuild trust in yourself: Keep a log of times your anxiety was wrong, times you managed it well, times you distinguished anxiety from intuition correctly
- Consider couples therapy: If your partner is willing, Emotionally Focused Therapy can help repair patterns and rebuild secure attachment
Warning Signs That Professional Help Is Urgent:
- Anxiety escalating to daily panic attacks
- Inability to sleep for multiple nights
- Intrusive thoughts about self-harm or relationship harm
- Partner threatening to leave because of your anxiety
- Using substances to manage the anxiety
If any of these apply, prioritize finding a therapist this week. Many offer sliding scale fees, and some provide telehealth appointments for faster access.
What Recovery Looks Like at This Level:
- Anxiety present but manageable (Tier 2 level)
- Ability to redirect anxious thoughts most of the time
- Reassurance-seeking reduced significantly
- Physical symptoms rare rather than constant
- Relationship feels mostly enjoyable again
- Partner reports reduction in strain
Feelset becomes crucial at this level as a bridge between therapy sessions and a 24/7 support system. Clara helps you implement therapeutic techniques daily, provides reality-testing when spiraling, and tracks progress. Many moderate anxiety users check in with Clara morning and evening—a 5-minute grounding in the morning and a debrief in the evening to process the day without overwhelming their partner.
Tier 4: Severe Anxiety (61-100 Points)
What This Means
You experience pervasive, intense relationship anxiety that significantly impairs your quality of life and relationship functioning. Your anxiety is likely consuming considerable mental energy daily, creating substantial distress, and possibly threatening the relationship's survival.
This level of anxiety typically reflects deeper attachment wounds, unresolved trauma, or co-occurring mental health conditions that require professional treatment. As research on anxiety disorders and relationships emphasizes, severe anxiety benefits most from integrated professional care combining therapy and potentially medication.
Common Patterns at This Level:
- Nearly constant rumination about the relationship—it's almost always on your mind
- Compulsive behaviors: checking phone constantly, monitoring social media, seeking reassurance multiple times daily
- Physical anxiety symptoms are frequent and intense (panic attacks, chronic stomach issues, persistent tension)
- Significant sleep disruption—difficulty falling asleep or waking anxious multiple nights per week
- Work or academic performance suffering because you can't concentrate
- Strong urges to engage in checking behaviors (phone, messages, location)
- Frequent testing of your partner or creating conflicts to prove they'll stay
- The relationship feels more painful than enjoyable most of the time
- Your partner has expressed serious concern, frustration, or mentioned needing a break
- You're considering ending the relationship just to escape the anxiety
Your Action Plan
Primary Goal: Get immediate professional support. At this severity, self-help alone is insufficient. You need structured therapeutic intervention to address underlying causes and prevent relationship collapse or personal crisis.
Critical First Step: Professional Help Is Non-Negotiable
You need to schedule therapy within the next 1-2 weeks. This is not optional at severe anxiety. Here's how:
- Search for specialized therapists: Use Psychology Today and filter for: attachment issues, relationship anxiety, trauma-informed care, CBT, or EMDR
- Prioritize availability: Look for therapists who can see you within 1-2 weeks. Many offer telehealth with faster appointments
- Consider intensive options: If standard therapy has a waitlist, look for intensive outpatient programs (IOP) specializing in anxiety, or anxiety disorder clinics that offer faster intake
- Address cost barriers: Many therapists offer sliding scale fees. Check if your insurance covers mental health (most do). Consider community mental health centers for lower-cost options
- Be honest in intake: When scheduling, say: "I'm experiencing severe relationship anxiety that's impacting my daily functioning. I need to be seen as soon as possible."
If You're in Crisis (Suicidal Thoughts, Severe Panic, Can't Function):
- Call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline (available 24/7, free, confidential)
- Go to your nearest emergency room or urgent care mental health clinic
- Call a trusted friend or family member and tell them you need immediate support
- Use the Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
Immediate Stabilization (While Waiting for First Therapy Appointment):
Week 1: Crisis Management
- Tell someone you trust: You need support right now. Tell a friend, family member, or your partner the truth about your struggle. Script: "I'm going through severe relationship anxiety. I'm getting professional help, but I need support from you while I work through this. Can I call you when I'm spiraling?"
- Implement strict behavioral boundaries: Write down rules to prevent destructive behaviors:
- "I will not check my partner's phone, social media, or location"
- "I will not send more than 2 reassurance-seeking texts per day"
- "I will not make major relationship decisions while anxious"
- Daily structure: Create a rigid daily schedule with specific times for: waking, eating, brief check-ins with partner, work/activities, exercise, worry time (30 minutes only), and sleep. Structure reduces anxiety
- Eliminate caffeine and alcohol: Both significantly worsen anxiety. Switch to decaf and avoid alcohol until anxiety stabilizes
Week 2-4: Building Baseline Stability
- Start therapy and follow your therapist's recommendations exactly
- Consider medication consultation: Talk to your therapist or primary care doctor about whether an SSRI or anti-anxiety medication might help. For severe anxiety, medication combined with therapy is often more effective than either alone
- Implement aggressive self-care:
- Exercise 30-45 minutes daily (this is medicine for anxiety)
- Sleep hygiene: same bed/wake times, no screens 1 hour before bed, cool dark room
- Eat regular meals (anxiety is worse when blood sugar drops)
- Limit relationship discussions: Agree with your partner that you'll only discuss relationship concerns during planned times (e.g., Thursday evenings), not constantly. This contains the anxiety
Month 2-6: Intensive Therapeutic Work
Your therapist will guide this phase, but expect to work on:
- Identifying and processing the root causes (attachment trauma, relationship betrayal, childhood experiences)
- Cognitive restructuring to challenge core anxious beliefs
- Exposure work to gradually tolerate uncertainty without compulsions
- Emotion regulation skills to manage intense feelings without destructive behaviors
- Potentially trauma processing (EMDR or similar) if relevant
Special Consideration: Is Your Partner Contributing to Your Anxiety?
Sometimes severe anxiety stems partly from genuinely problematic partner behavior: inconsistency, emotional unavailability, lying, or manipulation. If your therapist helps you realize your anxiety is a reasonable response to unreliable behavior, you may need to address the relationship dynamic or consider if this relationship is healthy for you.
See our guide on distinguishing anxiety from gut feelings and consider whether some of your "anxiety" might actually be intuition responding to real red flags.
Realistic Timeline for Recovery:
- 3-6 weeks: Crisis stabilization—anxiety still high but manageable enough to function
- 3-6 months: Noticeable reduction to moderate or mild levels with consistent therapy and medication (if used)
- 6-18 months: Sustained improvement to minimal or mild anxiety, with occasional setbacks that you can manage
Recovery at this level is not quick, but it IS possible. Be patient with yourself. You're addressing deep-seated patterns, and that takes time.
When to Retake This Test: Every 3 months to track progress objectively. Expect your score to decrease gradually, not suddenly.
At severe anxiety, Feelset is best used as a supplement to therapy, not a replacement. Clara can provide between-session support when you're spiraling, help you implement therapist-assigned homework, and offer 3am reassurance when you can't sleep. Many severe anxiety users find that Clara helps them avoid overwhelming their partner while they're in intensive treatment—she absorbs some of the reassurance-seeking until you build healthier coping skills.
Crisis Resources
If you're experiencing thoughts of self-harm, severe panic, or inability to function:
- Call or text 988 - 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline (US, 24/7, free)
- Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 (US, 24/7, free)
- SAMHSA National Helpline: 1-800-662-4357 (treatment referrals and information, 24/7)
- Emergency: Call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room
Category-Specific Insights: What Your Patterns Mean
Beyond your total score, your category scores reveal which specific anxiety patterns are strongest for you. Understanding these patterns helps you target your recovery efforts more precisely.
High Scores in Category 1: Reassurance-Seeking (16-20 points)
You rely heavily on external validation to manage anxiety. Research on reassurance-seeking in relationships shows this creates a paradoxical cycle: seeking reassurance temporarily reduces anxiety but increases dependency and actually makes the anxiety worse over time.
What's happening: You've learned that reassurance from your partner calms the anxious feeling, so your brain now automatically seeks it whenever anxiety arises. But because the relief is short-lived, you need more and more reassurance, creating an escalating pattern.
Why it's problematic: Excessive reassurance-seeking can:
- Exhaust your partner and create resentment
- Reinforce the belief that you can't manage anxiety on your own
- Prevent you from developing internal coping skills
- Make you more anxious when reassurance isn't immediately available
Specific action for this pattern:
- Track your reassurance-seeking: For one week, note every time you seek reassurance. What triggered it? Did it help? For how long?
- Implement a reassurance budget: Limit yourself to one reassurance request per day. When you want to ask for more, wait 30 minutes and see if the urge passes
- Develop alternative soothing: Create a list of 5 things that calm you without involving your partner: walking, journaling, calling a friend, meditation app, physical activity
- Practice self-reassurance: When you want to text your partner "do you still love me?", text yourself instead. Write: "I feel anxious right now, but I'm safe. One text response time doesn't determine the relationship's stability."
High Scores in Category 2: Overthinking and Rumination (16-20 points)
Your mind loops through relationship concerns repeatedly without reaching resolution. Studies on rumination in romantic relationships show this pattern impairs your ability to maintain positive feelings about your partner and increases relationship distress.
What's happening: Your brain believes that if it just thinks about the problem enough, it will find a solution or prevent disaster. But relationship rumination is different from productive problem-solving—it's repetitive worry without action.
Why it's problematic: Constant overthinking:
- Prevents you from being present and enjoying the relationship
- Creates problems where none exist (you imagine issues into reality)
- Exhausts you mentally and emotionally
- Interferes with work, sleep, and other life areas
Specific action for this pattern:
- Distinguish rumination from problem-solving: Problem-solving has a specific focus, considers solutions, and leads to action. Rumination loops without resolution. When you catch yourself overthinking, ask: "Is this problem-solving or rumination?"
- Implement scheduled worry time: Set aside 20 minutes daily for relationship concerns. When anxious thoughts arise outside this window, write them down and tell yourself "I'll think about this at 5pm." Research shows postponing worry significantly reduces its frequency
- Use the 3-minute rule: If you've been thinking about the same concern for more than 3 minutes without new information or insight, it's rumination. Interrupt it with a physical activity
- Practice thought labeling: When ruminating, simply notice it: "I'm having the thought that they're losing interest" rather than "They're losing interest." This creates distance from the thought
Our complete guide on How to Stop Overthinking in Your Relationship provides extensive techniques specifically for this pattern.
High Scores in Category 3: Fear of Abandonment and Hypervigilance (16-20 points)
You're constantly scanning for signs that your partner might leave, interpreting ambiguous situations as threats. Research shows that abandonment fears create hypervigilance that ironically pushes partners away through clinginess or testing behaviors.
What's happening: Your nervous system learned (likely in childhood or through past relationship trauma) that abandonment is possible and devastating, so it stays on high alert for any sign of rejection to protect you.
Why it's problematic: Living in constant fear of abandonment:
- Prevents you from fully trusting or enjoying the relationship
- Causes you to misinterpret normal behaviors (needing space, having a bad day) as rejection
- Creates a self-fulfilling prophecy where your fear behaviors actually drive partners away
- Keeps you in a perpetual state of stress and vigilance
Specific action for this pattern:
- Identify your abandonment triggers: What specific situations activate your abandonment fear? (them being distant, not texting back quickly, spending time with others, etc.)
- Challenge the catastrophic story: When you interpret something as "they're leaving," ask: "What's the actual evidence? Have they said they're leaving? Or am I interpreting normal behavior as abandonment?"
- Practice distress tolerance: When you feel the abandonment panic, instead of acting on it (seeking reassurance, testing, clinging), sit with it for 15 minutes. Notice: the feeling peaks and then subsides without you doing anything
- Build evidence of security: Keep a "relationship security log." Daily, write one piece of evidence that your partner is still committed (they made plans for next week, they asked about your day, they initiated affection)
This pattern usually requires therapy to address underlying attachment wounds. Consider working with an attachment-focused therapist if this is your highest category score.
High Scores in Category 4: Self-Sabotage and Testing (16-20 points)
You engage in behaviors that undermine the relationship's stability, often unconsciously. Research on relationship sabotage patterns shows this stems from defensiveness, trust difficulty, and lack of relationship skills—all rooted in fear of vulnerability.
What's happening: Part of you believes that if you get too close or vulnerable, you'll get hurt. So you unconsciously create distance or test whether they'll stay even when things are hard. It's a protection mechanism that actually causes the harm you're trying to prevent.
Why it's problematic: Self-sabotage behaviors:
- Damage trust and create unnecessary conflict
- Prevent genuine intimacy from developing
- Exhaust your partner with tests and push-pull dynamics
- Keep you from experiencing the secure relationship you actually want
Specific action for this pattern:
- Recognize your sabotage patterns: Review the past month. When did you create conflict, test them, or push them away? What was happening right before? (Often it's after a moment of closeness or when things were going well)
- Interrupt the pattern: When you notice the urge to test or sabotage, pause. Ask: "Am I doing this because there's a real problem, or am I protecting myself from potential hurt?"
- Practice vulnerability without safety behaviors: The antidote to self-sabotage is genuine vulnerability. Try sharing a fear or need WITHOUT immediately testing if they'll handle it right
- Work on the underlying fear: Self-sabotage usually means "if I don't let myself fully invest, it won't hurt as much if they leave." Challenge this: Would it actually hurt less? Or would you just have regret that you never really tried?
This pattern strongly benefits from therapy, particularly work on vulnerability, trust-building, and addressing core wounds.
High Scores in Category 5: Physical and Emotional Impact (16-20 points)
Your relationship anxiety is significantly affecting your body, sleep, and daily functioning. Research shows that chronic anxiety creates serious physical symptoms and impairs quality of life across multiple domains.
What's happening: Anxiety isn't just in your head—it activates your body's stress response system repeatedly throughout the day. Over time, this chronic activation creates physical symptoms and exhausts your body's resources.
Why it's problematic: Physical anxiety symptoms:
- Create a vicious cycle (physical symptoms make you more anxious, which creates more physical symptoms)
- Impair your ability to function at work, school, or in social situations
- Reduce sleep quality, which makes anxiety worse
- Can develop into chronic health issues if sustained long-term
Specific action for this pattern:
- Address physical symptoms directly:
- Daily exercise (30 minutes minimum)—this is one of the most effective anxiety treatments
- Progressive muscle relaxation before bed
- Deep breathing exercises when symptoms spike (4-7-8 breathing: inhale 4 counts, hold 7, exhale 8)
- Improve sleep hygiene:
- Same bedtime and wake time daily
- No screens 1 hour before bed
- Cool, dark room
- If you can't sleep due to rumination, get up and journal for 10 minutes, then try again
- Consider medical evaluation: If physical symptoms are severe (frequent panic attacks, chronic stomach issues, persistent tension), see your doctor to rule out other causes and discuss whether medication might help
- Practice body-based anxiety management: Yoga, tai chi, or somatic therapy can help you regulate your nervous system more effectively
If this is your highest category score AND you scored in moderate or severe overall, prioritize professional help. Physical symptoms at this intensity usually indicate that self-help strategies alone won't be sufficient.
How Feelset Supports Every Anxiety Level
One of the most challenging aspects of relationship anxiety is that you need different support at different severity levels—and that support needs to be available exactly when anxiety spikes, not just during scheduled therapy appointments.
That's what makes Feelset uniquely valuable for relationship anxiety: it adapts to YOUR specific severity level and patterns.
For Minimal Anxiety (0-20 Points): Prevention and Maintenance
At this level, you don't need intensive support, but periodic check-ins help maintain your secure patterns and catch any emerging issues early.
How Clara helps:
- Weekly relationship temperature checks: "How are things feeling this week?"
- Help distinguishing occasional concerns from anxiety patterns
- Support during stressful life transitions when anxiety might emerge
- Celebration of your secure attachment patterns
"I use Clara once a week just to check in. It's like preventive maintenance for my relationship health. If I notice anything off, she helps me figure out if it's worth addressing or just a passing worry." - Sarah, 29
For Mild Anxiety (21-40 Points): Daily Skills Practice
At mild anxiety, you need consistent support to build coping skills before patterns escalate.
How Clara helps:
- Worry postponement accountability: "You said you'd save this worry for 3pm. Let's table it until then."
- Reassurance alternative: When you want to text your partner for the third time, talk to Clara instead. She helps you self-soothe without exhausting your partner
- Pattern tracking: Clara remembers your triggers and can say: "This is similar to what you felt last Tuesday. How did that resolve?"
- Anxiety vs. intuition discernment: She walks you through the framework when you can't tell if your concern is legitimate
"Clara is like training wheels while I learn to manage my anxiety. She helps me practice the skills my therapist taught me, but she's there at 11pm when I'm spiraling and my therapist isn't available." - Michael, 34
For Moderate Anxiety (41-60 Points): Between-Session Support
At moderate anxiety, therapy is essential, but you need support between weekly appointments.
How Clara helps:
- Therapy homework implementation: Your therapist assigns cognitive restructuring exercises. Clara helps you practice them daily
- Crisis de-escalation: When you're spiraling at 2am and considering texting your partner repeatedly, Clara provides immediate reality-testing and grounding
- Progress tracking: She documents patterns that you can share with your therapist: "I noticed my anxiety spiked every Tuesday after our team meeting. Clara and I figured out it's because my boss's tone reminds me of my ex."
- Partner relief: Your partner is exhausted from constant reassurance requests. Clara absorbs some of that burden while you build healthier coping skills
"My therapist recommended Feelset because I was overwhelming my girlfriend with constant reassurance-seeking. Clara gives me a place to process anxiety in real-time without damaging my relationship. My girlfriend has actually said it's made a huge difference." - James, 27
For Severe Anxiety (61-100 Points): 24/7 Crisis Support Supplement
At severe anxiety, professional treatment is non-negotiable, but you still need support at 3am when you can't sleep, or when your therapist isn't available.
How Clara helps:
- 3am grounding: When you wake up with panic about the relationship, Clara is there immediately to help you reality-test and calm down
- Compulsion interruption: When you have the urge to check your partner's phone or send desperate texts, Clara redirects you
- Safety net: She can help you determine if you need crisis support (988) vs. just anxiety management
- Integrates with your care team: Clara's insights can inform your therapy sessions and help your therapist understand patterns between appointments
- Respects her limits: Clara is clear about what she can't do (diagnose, replace therapy, provide crisis intervention) and points you to appropriate resources
"I was in intensive therapy for severe relationship anxiety. Clara didn't replace my therapist, but she kept me functional between sessions. When I was convinced my partner was cheating based on zero evidence, Clara at 4am helped me see I was catastrophizing and to wait until my therapy appointment the next day to process it. She might have saved my relationship." - Taylor, 31
The Key Difference: Personalized to YOUR Results
After you share your test results with Clara, she integrates them into your ongoing support:
- "Your test showed you're highest in reassurance-seeking. Let's work on alternative soothing when you feel that urge."
- "You scored moderate overall, with the highest score in overthinking. I'm going to gently interrupt when I notice you ruminating and help you distinguish between problem-solving and anxiety spirals."
- "Your severe anxiety score in fear of abandonment suggests you'd benefit from trauma-focused therapy. Have you considered that? I can help you find resources."
Clara becomes YOUR personalized relationship anxiety companion, adapted to your specific patterns and severity level.
Start Your Personalized Recovery Plan Today
You've taken the test. You understand your patterns. Now get daily support tailored to YOUR specific anxiety level.
What you get with Feelset:
- 24/7 access when anxiety spikes at unpredictable times
- Support adapted to whether you're at minimal, mild, moderate, or severe anxiety
- Pattern tracking that reveals your specific triggers and progress
- Integration of your test results into ongoing personalized guidance
- Reality-testing when you can't tell if concerns are anxiety or intuition
- Alternative to exhausting your partner with constant reassurance requests
- Between-session support that complements therapy
Try it free for 7 days. See if Clara helps you implement your personalized recovery plan.
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7-day free trial. $9.99/month after. Cancel anytime.
Next Steps Based on Your Results
You've identified your relationship anxiety level and specific patterns. Here's exactly what to do next based on your score.
If You Scored 0-20 (Minimal Anxiety)
Immediate next steps:
- Celebrate your secure attachment patterns
- Maintain individual identity and interests outside the relationship
- Continue direct communication with your partner
- Retake this test if major life stressors occur or relationship dynamics shift significantly
Resources:
- Read: Relationship Anxiety or Gut Feeling for when occasional concerns arise
- Consider: Taking our attachment style quiz to understand your patterns better
If You Scored 21-40 (Mild Anxiety)
Immediate next steps:
- Choose ONE anxiety management technique from your action plan and implement it this week (recommend starting with worry postponement)
- Share your results with your partner if comfortable: "I took a relationship anxiety test and learned I have mild anxiety patterns. I'm working on it, and it's helpful for you to understand what I'm experiencing."
- Start tracking your triggers for one week to understand patterns
- Read the complete guide: How to Stop Overthinking in Your Relationship
- Consider trying Feelset for daily accountability and support
When to escalate to therapy: If anxiety doesn't improve within 3 months, if it worsens, or if your partner expresses concern about impact on the relationship.
If You Scored 41-60 (Moderate Anxiety)
Immediate next steps:
- This week: Search for a therapist specializing in attachment or anxiety (use Psychology Today directory)
- Today: Implement strict boundaries on compulsive behaviors (write down rules and post them)
- Daily: Morning grounding practice (10 minutes) and evening journaling to externalize anxious thoughts
- This conversation: Talk to your partner about what's happening. Use the script in your action plan
- Download support: Get Feelset to provide between-session support and real-time reality-testing
Critical: If symptoms worsen, don't wait. Escalate to crisis resources immediately.
If You Scored 61-100 (Severe Anxiety)
Immediate next steps (within 48 hours):
- Find a therapist NOW: Use Psychology Today, filter for anxiety specialists with immediate or 1-week availability, prioritize telehealth for faster access
- Tell someone you trust: You need support right now. Don't manage this alone
- Implement crisis boundaries: Write down rules to prevent destructive behaviors and post them visibly
- If in crisis: Call 988 (Suicide and Crisis Lifeline) or text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line)
This week:
- Schedule therapy appointment
- Consider medication consultation with your doctor or psychiatrist
- Implement rigid daily structure (reduces anxiety)
- Eliminate caffeine and alcohol
- Start daily exercise (30-45 minutes minimum)—this is medicine
Critical resources:
- 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988 (988lifeline.org)
- Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
- SAMHSA Helpline: 1-800-662-4357 (treatment referrals)
Retake Monthly to Track Progress
One of the most valuable aspects of this test is using it to objectively track your progress over time. Relationship anxiety improvement can feel slow and non-linear—some weeks better, some worse. Without objective measurement, it's easy to lose perspective.
We recommend retaking this test monthly:
- Same day each month (e.g., the 1st of every month)
- Under similar conditions (not during a fight or crisis)
- Track your total score and category scores over time
- Notice patterns: Which categories improve first? Do certain triggers cause temporary spikes?
What to expect:
- Month 1-2: Score might stay the same or even increase slightly as you become more aware of patterns you were previously unconscious of
- Month 3-4: If you're implementing strategies consistently, you should see 10-20 point reduction
- Month 6: Significant improvement expected—moving from one tier to a lower tier (e.g., moderate to mild)
- Month 12: Sustained improvement, with scores stabilized at a lower level
Progress isn't linear. You might score lower one month, then higher the next due to external stressors. That's normal. Look at the trend over 6-12 months, not month-to-month fluctuations.
Clara can track your test results over time and help you notice patterns: "Last month you scored 52, this month 44. You've improved most in the overthinking category—the worry postponement technique is working. Let's keep that up and focus on reassurance-seeking next month."
A Final Word: You're Not Broken
Whatever your score on this relationship anxiety test, please hear this: You are not broken.
Relationship anxiety doesn't mean you're defective, too needy, or incapable of healthy relationships. It means your nervous system learned to be on high alert about attachment—probably for very good reasons based on your past experiences.
According to attachment research, approximately 20% of adults have anxious attachment patterns. You're not alone in this struggle. And importantly, attachment patterns can change. Research shows that with awareness, effort, and often professional support, people can move from anxious to more secure attachment over time.
Taking this test is itself a positive step. You're seeking clarity instead of just suffering. You're looking for a path forward instead of resigning yourself to constant anxiety. That shows tremendous self-awareness and strength.
Your score is not a judgment. It's information. It tells you where you are right now, what patterns are strongest, and what kind of support you need. That's valuable.
Whether your score was minimal or severe, the path forward is the same: understand your patterns, implement appropriate strategies for your severity level, get support matched to your needs, and be patient with yourself through the process.
Recovery from relationship anxiety isn't about never feeling worried or uncertain. It's about building the skills to:
- Distinguish real concerns from anxious spirals
- Self-soothe without constant external reassurance
- Tolerate normal relationship uncertainty without panic
- Trust yourself and your partner more than you fear abandonment
- Enjoy the relationship instead of constantly monitoring it
These skills are learnable. They take time and practice, but they're absolutely within your reach.
You've taken the first step by completing this assessment. Now take the next step: implement your personalized action plan, get the support you need for your severity level, and commit to the process of building a healthier relationship with yourself and your partner.
You can do this. And you don't have to do it alone.
Ready for daily support as you work through your personalized plan? Try Feelset free for 7 days and let Clara help you implement your recovery strategies, track your progress, and provide reality-testing when you need it most.
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Disclaimer: This relationship anxiety test is for educational and self-awareness purposes only. It is not a diagnostic tool and cannot diagnose anxiety disorders, attachment disorders, or any mental health condition. Results should not replace professional psychological assessment or treatment. If you're experiencing severe anxiety, thoughts of self-harm, or inability to function, please contact a licensed mental health professional immediately or call the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. Feelset provides supportive guidance and education but is not a substitute for professional therapy, diagnosis, or emergency services. If you're in an abusive relationship, please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.